Fix My Order Please
The reluctance of children to speak up for themselves can grow into a lifelong habit that is unhelpful. A good goal is to aim to raise children in such a way that this tendency is corrected at an early age. The ability to advocate for oneself is crucial, particularly in the area of personal safety. When I look back at predators that I had the displeasure of investigating during my law enforcement career, a common theme was the victimization of children and adults whose ability to clearly and loudly stand up for themselves was greatly hampered. Which brings me to pancakes.
Let's say I was at a diner on a sunny Saturday morning with my young daughter. (I was.) She chooses chocolate chip pancakes and I pick the toasted bagel loaded with lox and cream cheese. When our anticipated meal arrives, a plate of blueberry pancakes is placed before her. She does not like blueberry pancakes. Not only is she disinterested in eating the blue flapjacks, she thinks it's absolutely absurd when I suggest she tell the waiter to take the order back and fix it. This is not an uncommon trait in kids. Fear of displeasing others is common, especially adults, and sometimes in particular, adults they do not know. Ironically, my daughter had exactly zero problem telling her father and I EXACTLY what she did and did not like, want, prefer or demand. But communicating in an upfront manner with adults she didn’t know was different - not interested. Sitting in that diner, I asked her to help me understand her perspective; she explained that she didn’t want to bother the staff, didn’t want to offend or complain, and strongly did not want to let the waiter (who cares!?) know that she was displeased. When pressed further on the question of why, it was something between not wanting to draw attention to herself and a lot of not wanting to displease this total stranger. As a law enforcement professional, I remember feeling both fascinated and appalled at hearing her inner thoughts on the matter.
It doesn’t take much to see the implications for our children in these small, practical scenarios, as well as the greater and more dangerous possibilities this unchecked tendency can lend itself to later in life. The piano teacher begins sitting close enough that they are leaning heavily into your child’s thigh - yet they are afraid to open their mouth and object. Coach puts their hands on your child’s shoulders after practice and lets them linger there - the child feels internal alarm and knows it's weird, but says nothing. They are unwilling to make things awkward, uncomfortable or confrontational. You can see the burgeoning problems here.
Back to breakfast. Thankfully I had, and continue to have, a close relationship with my daughter. Not to say we don’t have disagreements, but I put a high value on listening to her and what she thinks and cares about. Additionally, that bagel was calling to me! I listened and then earnestly challenged her to speak up when the waiter returned, adding that I would wait to eat until she had done so. Call that strong-arming or manipulative, I think it was strategic. And it worked! She was rewarded with a delicious plate of piping hot, chocolate chip pancakes and major props from me for taking that bold step. I made a sort of game out of this, whenever we dined out. She would speak to the waitstaff herself, placing her order. If anything was incorrect or additionally needed (more syrup please!) she would speak up with some reluctance, until it became routine. I followed the same practice with my young son who came after her. Both were raised to speak up, politely but unapologetically, when they wanted to say something, even if it made things a tiny bit uncomfortable in the moment. Consider adopting these routine practices in order to train your children to advocate for themselves in small ways, in preparation for when bigger objections may be life preserving.