In a world buzzing with distractions and incessant noise, the act of truly listening has become a rare and cherished skill. The words of teacher Rick from MindValley, "Instead of us being interesting, let us focus on being interested," resonate deeply within the realm of personal development and professional growth. It is a call to shift our focus from self-centered narratives to empathetic engagement.
The notion of being interesting often stems from a desire to be admired, to impress, or to dominate a conversation. It is an ego-driven approach that can sometimes overshadow the essence of human connection. Conversely, being interested requires humility, curiosity, and an authentic desire to understand others. It is about moving beyond our own stories and stepping into the world of the person we are engaging with.
For instance, just recently, someone shared an experience of a hospital visit, and a friend interjected to share her own story. I was amused as it felt like they were one-upping each other, especially on hospital visits! Instead, I would have wished they focused on listening or saying, "tell me more," and waiting their turn if they truly wanted to share something
I also like the norm that in a conversation it should be 60/40 – 60% of the talking should be done by the other party and only 40% by us. This principle is rooted in the idea that everyone has a story worth hearing. By allowing the other person to do most of the talking, we create a space where they feel valued and heard. This doesn't mean we remain passive, but rather that we interject thoughtfully, with the intention of enhancing the conversation rather than dominating it. The only place where this would be different is in case we are teaching or giving a speech on a subject.
Most of us have been conditioned to listen with the intent to reply. We hear words, but our minds are busy formulating responses or relating the speaker's experience to our own. This approach can lead to superficial interactions where the true meaning behind words is lost. On the other hand, listening to understand involves a deeper level of engagement. It means being fully present, absorbing the speaker's message, and responding in a way that acknowledges their experience.
If we genuinely change our lens towards listening to understand, we will realize we see people in a different light. For example, my daughter came back from school and complained there are no good snacks at home. If I go in defensive mode, I would answer –“Hey, you went to the grocery store yourself and bought the snacks”. If I go into problem solving mode, I would say, “so what should we do about it”. But if I really go in listening mode, I can inquire how her day was and what she had for lunch. Perhaps she didn’t eat enough or perhaps she had a rough day at school. I would then give her a nice big hug to calm her down and lovingly offer some other food options.
I have realized in coaching that listening is a key skill. We all want to be heard. We want to be validated. So as we listen, lets acknowledge and paraphrase to ensure the other person feels heard.
Teacher Rick's insight that few people genuinely want to hear what we have to say underscores the importance of becoming that rare individual who listens with empathy and curiosity. By making a conscious effort to be more interested than interesting, we can transform our interactions, deepen our relationships, and truly make a difference in the lives of those we engage with.
He tries
To impress me
With his jokes
His style
His intelligence
His wisdom
And I
Only wish
He would listen
Fully
Genuinely
I wish
He would be present
Now
Reflections
- In your own interactions, how often do you find yourself listening to respond rather than listening to understand? Can you think of a recent example?
- How does shifting your focus from being interesting to being interested change the dynamic of your conversations?
- What specific steps can you take to apply the 60/40 conversation norm in your daily interactions?
- Reflect on a situation where you felt truly heard and understood. What made that experience different from others?
- How might adopting a "tell me more" approach affect your relationships with friends, family, or colleagues?
- When you find yourself becoming defensive or eager to solve a problem during a conversation, what strategies can help you shift to a more empathetic listening mode?
- Reflect on a person in your life who exemplifies deep listening. What qualities do they possess, and how can you cultivate similar qualities in yourself?
