“Marry Your Disciplinary Styles for Fair & Balanced Co-Parenting”

(First Published on MarriageAdvice.com)

By

Barbara Jaurequi, MS, LMFT, MAC


                Many couples come to counseling when they are experiencing a problem in their co-parenting relationship. With regards to how to discipline their children, many of these couples simply differ in their approach. One partner believes in spanking younger children, one does not. One partner believes in merely redirecting his children’s bad behavior while the other tries to curb it through the use of giving them an immediate reprimand and penalty. One partner may have a really long fuse when it comes to tolerating the rambunctious nature of children. But she may explode once those rascals push her beyond her breaking point. The other partner may be a “yeller” who hollers at the kids so often that they come to tune it out all together. Finally, one partner may believe in giving tough consequences for serious behavioral infractions while the other turns a blind eye to such behaviors in order to avoid feeling guilty for taking away a loved activity or possession of their child.

                When it comes to parenting, our point of reference is how we were parented ourselves. Unless our partners were raised by parents with disciplinary styles similar to those of our own parents, there are likely to be discrepancies in the way we see disciplinary issues. It’s important to note that partners don’t necessarily emulate the disciplinary style of their parents. Depending on how harsh, lenient, or negligent couples’ parents were, partners may take the exact opposite approach to disciplining their children. For example, if a partner’s parent was violently abusive, that parent might be intensely opposed to even the slightest pat on the bottom of a child who continues misbehaving after being given multiple warnings to stop. Comparably, a partner who was raised by overly permissive parents (and who consequently got into a lot of trouble out in the world) may be hyper-vigilant about her child’s behavior to the point of controlling him through the use of routine punishments for minor and typical childhood infractions.

                Ideally, before marriage, partners were made fully aware of the way their spouses were raised. Hopefully, they discussed how they planned to parent and discipline and were in agreement on all related fronts.  But that’s just the ideal — it is rarely the norm for couples in marriage counseling who need to work through parenting issues.

                The solution, of course, is for couples to meet in the middle, when it comes to correcting their childrens’ behavior. Sadly, meeting in the middle is not always possible, particularly when one parent is being flat out abusive to the children. In cases like that, it is often best to have the abusive parent removed from the home all together. But most of the time, there is room for partners to compromise and find ways to see their spouses’ point of view when it comes to disciplining their children. The important thing is that, when disciplinary action is called for, it is administered by the entire marital-unit whenever possible. That means that the couples present a united front to their misbehaving children. They make it clear to their children that they are in agreement about whatever consequences are to be given for unacceptable behaviors.

                Additionally, partners need to make it clear to one another what they see as reasonable when it comes to punishments. They must also make clear what they see as truly unreasonable and unacceptable (such as hitting or withholding food). When differences of opinion are diametrically opposed, it would be helpful to seek outside input from knowledgeable third parties such as teachers, counselors and therapists or parents you both respect to find an approach that suits you both.

                There are three very important things married couples should consider when it comes to disciplining their children:

  1. 1.       All children feel most secure when their parents are on the same page, regardless of the issues.
  2. 2.       It is never fair, or appropriate, for one partner in a marriage to bear the full load of disciplinary responsibility for the couple’s children.
  3. 3.       It is never fair, or appropriate, for one parent (the self-appointed disciplinarian) to simply overrule the other parent’s disciplinary actions and deem those actions as inferior to his own.
                In the spirit of promoting fairness and unity, consequences for misbehaving children should be discussed and presented to them as a team. You and your partner will begin to respect and support one another in a very important way once you come together on this issue.  Remember, you are both vital components in the development of your children’s world view. If that view comes to include respect for rules and consequences, they are likely to fare better in a world full of them! And the two of you will know that you helped form that healthy world view through a solid partnership and the use of loving teamwork.