The Art of Reflective Listening
(Originally Published on MarriageAdvice.com)
By
Barbara Jaurequi, MS, LMFT, MAC
As a Marriage and Family Therapist,
I listen to a lot of marital arguments. Sometimes the arguments get so heated
that I feel more like a referee than a therapist! Other times, the partners are
so frustrated with each other that they don’t speak directly to one another at
all, preferring to communicate through
me.
Whether partners are actively arguing
or avoiding communication all together, one thing is clear: they are usually desperate to be understood. They seem compelled to “make their case”; like
attorneys do when defending or prosecuting a person being tried for a crime! In
the first case, the partners blast one another with stronger and stronger
arguments, getting louder and more hostile with each point they make. In the
second case, each partner presents me, the Quasi-Judge,
with the evidence that supports his or her individual point of view on any
given dispute.
Needless to say, these types of
exchanges are emotionally exhausting for all parties involved — myself
included! The tension between couples can get so intense that de-escalation
becomes my first order of business. Fortunately, I have a technique that seems
to cause most married partners to settle down rather quickly. Quite
simply, I validate their feelings and
their individual points of view. This is the essence of Reflective Listening
The majority of marriage therapists
would probably agree that one of the most common reasons married couples seek
counseling is because of poor communication. And as ‘listening’ is perhaps the
most important component of interpersonal communication, it is vital that
married partners master the art of reflective
listening.
Reflective
listening calls for us to listen for feelings first, content second. We
make sure we are on the right track in identifying the feelings’ of our partner
by literally reflecting (i.e., echoing) the feelings we hear. In the
midst of an angry exchange, what most married partners are essentially seeking
from one another is genuine understanding and validation of their
feelings. But it is virtually impossible
to meet each other’s need to be understood and validated if we are not
reflectively listening to one another.
Let me give you an example of proper
reflective listening: If a wife is angry at her husband for ignoring her at a
party and afterwards says: “You were a real jerk to me at the party”, her
husband is likely to get very defensive and justify his behavior. However, if
he was practicing the art of reflective
listening, he might say something like “I can see how angry you are…you
sound hurt.” His wife would probably verify her hurt feelings saying something
like, “Yes, I’m hurt. It was like you didn’t even realize I was there.” Her
husband might then say, “I’m sorry I made you feel unimportant. You don’t
deserve to be treated that way. I really will try not to ever do that again.”
While her feelings might still be hurt, the wife would probably not continue to
attack her husband at this point. She has gotten what she wanted: understanding
and validation. And happily, the argument would probably not escalate any
further than it originally had.
Married partners, accustomed to
arguing content rather than reflecting feelings, would do well to practice reflective
listening in most of their interpersonal communications. For instance, if a
co-worker says, “My daughter is driving me crazy,” a typical non-reflective
response might be to commiserate by taking about one your own child’s annoying
traits. But that is not reflective listening.
When your co-worker makes her remark, practice reflective listening by
saying something like, “You sound really frustrated by your pain.” If you can
practice this technique in interactions that are not emotionally charged, you
will be more likely to fall back on it when it really counts.
Reflective listening needs to become
second nature to married partners who traditionally find themselves arguing
about anything and everything. It will always be easy for partners to default
to defensive and accusatory interactions under emotional stress unless they
practice this technique as much and as often as possible.
If it so happens that your marital
problems go beyond poor communication, the tool of reflective listening could
prove to be one of your most valuable assets when addressing, and resolving,
even the most complicated and difficult of marital challenges.