When it comes to parenting, and life in general, the best place to put our attention is in the present moment. Regretting what happened in the past, or worrying about what might happen in the future, robs us of being present with our loved ones in the only moment we have, which is now.
Next month my youngest son starts his first year of college. It is exciting that he is about to embark on the next leg of life’s journey. It also brings up a multitude of feelings including sadness, anxiety, concern, hope and longing.
This phase of parenting is over–the one that began as manager, booking play dates, creating stimulating experiences for him and his brother to discover and explore creatively, intellectually, emotionally; carpooling, coordinating schedules so that everyone gets where they need to be and has a ride to get there, and on and on.
On one hand, I’m so ready to have him move on: I am ready to stop nagging over the mountain of dirty clothes that seems to grow bigger each day; to stop fussing over how late he can stay out and what chores he needs to do before he can go out; to not be negotiating over all the contenscious details of a teenage life.
Lately, we have come to an agreement to let go of the small stuff. We both know very soon we will not have these daily dramas to distract us from the real love we share with each other. I feel my heart starting to move to that place already.
Just as I had to grieve the loss of the goofy, theatrical young boy when he became a teen, I now have to grieve the loss of the wily, complicated teen as he steps into the first phase of moving out of the nest towards independence. I know that when he returns, temporarily, he will be someone to get to know all over again.
The anxiety and concern center around: Is he ready? Have I, as his parents equipped him with the best tools to help him succeed, navigate whatever challenges come his way, despite the multitude of seductive distractions a freshman at college faces? And if he doesn’t, will he learn the life lesson from making choices that don’t support him?
I realize I have to let it all go. I won’t be there to do it for him anymore, and that ‘s a really good thing. This time, more than any that came before, he needs to figure it out himself. His dad and I now become the consultants–the ones to consult when he comes to us, needing perspective–putting the role of managers finally to rest. It’s time fore him to learn to manage his own life now.
Letting go of the life that was, and is never to be again, is so hard. If I could have it to do over again, boy, would I be wiser. One of the things I would have done differently is I would have been less future focused and more present in the days when he and his brother were young.
But I don’t have it to do over again, and I need to accept that I gave it my best, and for the times I fell short, to forgive myself. Then I will be able to be present with what is happening right now. And what is happening right now is the focus is shifting away from full time parenting, freeing up more time and energy for the things I want to pursue for my life.
I also am reminded to aspire to be as present as I can right now, so I don’t miss this current phase. After all, that is all we ever have–right here, right now.
“Feel the aliveness in your body. That anchors you in the Now.”
Eckhart Tolle
And right now, it’s time to help him pack for his first big journey away from home. I want to stick extra trust, faith and love in those bags. That’s my job now.
